


sign here

by sextile



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Introspection, M/M, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27322501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sextile/pseuds/sextile
Summary: I could have stayed babe and darling and love.Now I am just myself.And sometimes that’s the hardest thing to be.-Growth comes in stages. This is the first.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 15
Kudos: 29
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	sign here

**Author's Note:**

> HQ Angst Week Day 1: "when did it all change?"
> 
> asahiazumxne on twt

Kita-san,

When did it all change?

When did you decide that the stars I hung in the sky were not bright enough? That it was too light, too soft to let them look like the dust of gems scattered across space?  Our meals, from the preparation of food to the consumption of it, became only the action. When did it become only eating?

Honey that fell from your lips tasted sour in the mornings, and the kisses you spread across my skin at night were routine instead of instinct. You were always quiet. But never like that. Never in the way that felt like cold showers and the sudden drop in your stomach when you almost slip, mind foggy from having just woken up. Never in the way that made me hurt more than the times Osamu yelled at me and kicked me between the legs. 

(I deserved it those times though.)

I don’t know what I’ll do with this. They said words could be therapy, but I was never the best with words. Everything I say comes out clunky, and the metaphors I try to paint are children’s scribbles on scrap paper, not the intricacies of acrylic or fine tip pen that you end up making. Sometimes your sentences surprise me, but I really shouldn’t be surprised. I know you're smart.

When you brought up buying a house together, I think you knew it wouldn’t happen. But you kept at it. You’re not one to drop something when things get tough. But it was tough from the very beginning, Kita-san. I thought you knew that. I thought you understood. 

You thought you could change me, make me better. But I am smaller than your expectations and fall too short in areas you thought I could make. Your perception of me was always better than who I actually am. And would it have been better that way? Would it have been better if I just stuck to the criteria you had in your head for me? I could have stayed the perfect-not-so-perfect boyfriend. I could have stayed the blonde bastard you were so deeply, terribly, devastatingly in love with.

I could have stayed babe and darling and love.

Now I am just myself.

And sometimes that’s the hardest thing to be. 

Kita-san, would you have gifted me the moon if you could? Would you climb the tallest mountain and feel the wind lift your hair and slice your cheeks just so you could lasso the entire celestial object and bring it down to me? They say heat rises but the tops of mountains are always cold. Heaven must be colder, being somewhere up in the sky and all. Because I would’ve done it. I would’ve gifted you the moon. Wrapped it up real nice with a bow in your favourite colour. 

You always liked yellow, but now I realise it wasn’t because you were being romantic. No, it wasn’t the stupid garish piss yellow shade of my hair that you loved, it was the yellow of golden hour, sunlight along your rice paddies. It was the thin amber line that outlined clouds as it set. Quiet. Cool. Not my brash voice or hands or mannerisms and behaviours that I know make me an asshole. But it's always easier to be the asshole.

I thought that your fingertips made flowers bloom and the seedlings you planted in the pots on our balcony grew just for you, the sun, its God. I really thought you were one––a God, I mean. You certainly looked the part. Silver hair like the soft threads of destiny. Brown eyes that made people fall to their knees. 

You looked beautiful when I first saw you and you looked beautiful when I broke up with you.

And in the days leading up to it, I knew you didn’t care for me, not in the way I wanted you to at least. But seeing you stand there, with that look on your face was like falling for the second time. Traitorous heart still can’t tell the difference between love and indifference. I know your expressions, Kita-san. I know what your face looks like when you’re internalising your feelings. And I know what it looks like when you feel nothing. 

It was less of ‘breaking up’ than it was nullifying a contract. 

The universe will take me to where I need to go, to experience the love I want to feel. This love does not exist within you. At least, not for me. It has never existed for me. And the thing that hurt the most was that you never realised. You tried to make me fit in the home of your life, but all I did was smash the windows.

It's what I know how to do. It’s what I do best.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a kudos and comment <3


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